In a perfect world we would date, meet people until we find “the one”, then get married, and live happily ever after. But as we all know, we’re definitely not living in a perfect world. We all have anecdotes about our dating adventures and by the process of trial and error, online dating coaches, and our friends and family’s experiences we can spot red flags in dating others from a mile off.

The big challenge is when we are unable to see our own red flags in dating. Here are a few anecdotes that might make you an instant red flag.

Red Flags in Dating: Are You Carrying One?

Always referencing the past

Are you always talking about the past and you’re unaware of it? You’re subconsciously wishing you were back in the past where everything was seemingly perfect. We tend to romanticize the past and never see it for what it was. In my experience, I know I’ve treated my dates like therapy sessions (it’s ok to judge), unpacking my latest misfortune with the opposite sex and wondering out loud why certain things transpired the way they did. It leaves the other person feeling like “Am I going to be competing with the previous person even though they’re not around?”

There’s nothing wrong with referencing the past, however, there’s a difference between allowing it to still influence you and briefly mentioning it because that’s exactly what it is, the past.

Not taking any accountability

Your ex was the most horrible person, and they broke up with you out of nowhere. Did they really? What role did you play in a said breakup? Taking accountability is incredibly difficult. Often, when we tell our side of the breakup story, we’re the victim. We were just innocently existing and suddenly we were being dumped but we never take the time to think about how we contributed to the end of the relationship. If you’re stuck here, then this can make you one of the many instant red flags in dating.

The challenge is to identify our own flaws and shortcomings, however, once we’ve done this, how are we going to put all this work we’ve done on ourselves into action so that we can avoid yet another disappointment?

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Ghosting and re-appearing

I get it, life gets extremely busy at times, and it can get difficult to maintain a personal life. We have our core group of friends that are equally as busy and understand that we’re not able to keep in touch regularly. What happens when we are in the talking stage with someone of the opposite sex and we get overwhelmed with work, or life just gets hectic?

In some way we’ve all been guilty of ghosting someone, we’ve formulated a reply to their message but just never get around to it. The next thing you know it’s a week later and their message is on read and they’re no longer talking to you. So, then you try and get them to start talking to you by apologizing profusely and explaining how busy your week was…only to repeat the cycle again the next week.

Recognizing that we have poor communication skills is tough, especially in a dating scenario. We all have advanced communication devices in the palm of our hands so there really is no excuse.

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You don’t know what you’re looking for

Nothing irks me more than the phrase “go with the flow” when I’m in the talking stage. You haven’t thought about what it is that you ultimately want from your personal life and that could lead to you wasting someone’s time. In a perfect scenario, we would all take time between relationships or entanglements to figure out what our goals are when it comes to dating, but of course, there are no perfect scenarios. Being honest and straightforward is of the utmost importance and if yours and the other person’s goals don’t align, the respect will be there.

Dating seems to be getting more and more challenging as the years go by. May we all meet not the perfect person, but the person perfect for us. That said, would you say you have been a bearer of red flags in dating? And did you check yourself?